Two conversations, the first from my 14 year old cousin Allison:

[09:19] Allison: stuart is soo cute were lookin at your site
[09:19] Danger Crane: stuart is like 23 or 24
[09:20] Danger Crane: dont look at him
[09:20] Danger Crane:
[09:20] Allison: why
[09:20] Allison: not
[09:20] Danger Crane: i’m kidding
[09:21] Danger Crane: i will pass that on to him for you
[09:21] Danger Crane: maybe you’ll have a chance…
[09:21] Allison: oo great
[09:21] Allison: thankz

Of course, that was sarcasm on my part. I wouldn’t condone anyone dating Stu, let alone my cousin who is almost 10 years younger. I thought it hilarious because she thought he was cute from videos where he’s drunk, makes out with an ugly girl and then pees on his own floor.

I sent the convo over to Stu and got this back:

[19:29] Matthews, Stu: There are only two things that I gained from that email:
[19:29] Matthews, Stu: – It’s not my fault I have a sweet ass, I can’t help it.
[19:29] Matthews, Stu: – Your punk ass still has pictures of me on my 21st birthday THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO posted on your damn website.
[19:30] Matthews, Stu: So yeah, that puts me at 24 .
[19:30] Matthews, Stu: While I got a thorough kick out of this (I’m sure that you did, too), you can let your cousin down and tell her that I am looking for someone more my age, no matter how depraved you may think that I am.
[19:31] Matthews, Stu: You can also put an end to pimping me out to all your jailbait relatives.

fin

I found this picture when going through some old baby pics of my brother and I couldn’t NOT share it. Check out “Randy” in the background! It lead me to all kinds of speculation: Would he forget his name sometimes and needed a shirt to remind himself? Did his parents have 10 kids and have trouble keeping the names straight? Was his name really Adam, but he just really wanted to be called Randy? Was the t-shirt a magical talking t-shirt that was named Randy?

Just for this, I am making a similar t-shirt, but naming it Oscar or something cool like that. And when people ask if it is my name, I will just tell them my t-shirt has a first name or something.

So, as most of you know, I work for an accounting firm in the north burbs of Chicago. From January to April, we work extended hours because we prepare a lot of tax returns. The cool thing about my job is that if you work late in the evening they will buy dinner for everyone still in the office.

Anyways, tonight’s dinner was bought from the Szechwan Kingdom located here in lovely Northbrook, IL. We’ve ordered from this place several times this tax season, and I cannot believe the quality of this food. Its come to the point where each time I order, I order things that I can’t believe any Chinese place would [screw] up, only to be astounded when they’ve [screwed] it up!

It all started with the simple beef & broccoli, one of my favorites turned horrible. I didn’t finish it because it was so gods-awful. Then it was chicken fried rice. I thought, How could they mess up chicken fried rice? They did. The rice was bland and tasteless, and the chicken looked like the stuff in B grade dog food. It wasn’t even cut into bite sized pieces! But A-HA! Someone in a cube near mine ordered sesame chicken that same night, and it looked promising. I ordered it on next Chinese night. This stuff was marginally better, actually edible, but still couldnt compare to the lowliest of Chinese places I would order from in Chinatown (one of the joys of living at IIT). And that brings me to tonight’s meal.

I ordered egg drop soup. Egg-[muthahumpin]-drop soup. Its simple, its easy, you can’t [mess] it up. You can make it from home with canned chicken broth and an egg. It is basic, but delicious. I guess you can be adventurous and throw in some mushrooms, or some carrots. I even know a place that would throw in a little pre-cooked spinach (dont throw it in raw, or the liquid will turn green, I tried).

BUT FOR [FRAK'S] SAKE WHY WOULD YOU BE POSSESSED TO THROW IN A CAN OF NIBLETS CORN!!!!! Who thought that was a good idea? What is Chinese about corn? And not even the little baby corns you see in chop suey sometimes, I am talking canned niblets style corn. And from the taste of the broth, they used all the liquid in the can too! I almost want to start ordering everything on the menu, just to rate the dishes from crap to complete crap to OMFG WTF crap.

On a side note, the prepackaged fortune cookie was tasty and delicious, and it said I was a rockstar…….. in bed.

fin